Director: Elias Ganster
Title: LovecraCked! The Movier
Studio: Biff Juggernaut
Tom Cruise can suck my spotty ass. All the other overpaid Hollywood actors and actresses can suck it also. Who needs $100 million blockbusters full of explosions and huge set pieces when everyone knows the best films are the low budget variety. That maybe isn’t strictly true. When pissed though they are. We call them by the quaint name of Trash movies over here in dear sweet Britain. And America is home to the best Trash movies ever. Within the Trash genre there are separate types. Good Trash. Bad Trash. And Fucking awful Trash. Love Cracked The movie falls bang in-between the Good Trash and Fucking awful Trash and bypasses the Bad Trash completely. It’s that sort of film.
There are certain criteria that must be met before any film can be regarded as a bona fide Trash movie. They are listed here along with how Love Cracked The movie meets or fails them:
Is there a limited budget? Oh yes. Love Cracked The Movie probably cost $150.00 max to make. Slight exaggeration but it probably was in the range of $25,000 - $50,000 tops.
Is the acting bad? Oh yes. See that Xmas nativity play you went to with all the 8yr old kids playing the parts. The acting on that was miles better than on here.
Is the dialogue laughable? Oh yes. The whole screenplay probably fitted on the back of a cigarette packet.
Is the humour childish and puerile? Oh yes. The gags are of the ‘so bad they might actually be good variety’…until you realise they are just bad after all.
Has it got well known actors in it? Yes and no. To Americans these people may be recognisable. To us over here in cold hearted Britain they don’t register one bit.
Are the special effects not that special? Again yes and no. Some of the effects are quite good. Others you could find in the local joke shop. Price £0.99p
Does it have a porn star in it? Oh yes. And you get to see breasts and flange.
Is the camera work passable at best? Oh yes. You can watch it without feeling sick. Sometimes though the framing goes off and does its own thing.
Therefore I can safely say that Love Cracked The Movie is Trash cinema at its best.
A synopsis. The film is divided into segments that is a kind of homage to H.P. Lovecraft and his writings. H.P. Lovecraft…the great horror novelist. You don’t need to be knowledgeable about his work…although it may help. I rate Clive Barker higher as a novelist mind. The segments have a comedy section followed by a horror section then back to a comedy section etc. And this is where the film falls flat on its flabby arse. The comedy bits are hit and miss. More miss in my book than anything else. The idea is that there’s this inept bumbling reporter looking into the background of H. P. Lovecraft. He travels the country…probably within a 2 mile radius…and meets all these different people and interviews them. The gags come fast and furious as the reporter tries to delve deeper into the Lovecraft myth with hilarious results. I’m being sarcastic here. Once he’s done his quick comedy routine piece there then follows a short film based roughly on Lovecraft’s stories. These are the best bits of the whole film. In fact they would have been far better off sticking to the horror element completely instead of disrupting the flow with comedy skits. Again though the acting, dialogue and effects lets these snippets down. An example. Shot in black and white. A guy is in the woods. He sees another guy about to axe a girl. He fights and kills this bad man. Camera pans to girl. She’s a Demon. She grabs the axe and goes towards the hero. It ends. Another example. Girl dumps guy. Girl goes home to boyfriend. Dumped guy smashes place up. Girl and new beau goes to see dumped guy. Dumped guy is now in a cocoon. Girl goes into room leaving new beau outside. Old boyfriend breaks out of cocoon with horns in his cheeks. Attacks girl. New beau runs inside. Gets attacked also. The end. These segments could and should have been better.
Seen sober I hated this film so much. The potential to raise itself beyond its limitations was never realised. If they had only made the film a proper horror anthology of stories and missed out the crass laughs then this would have been a winner. Putting more money into the effects would also have helped. This could have been a super film. There are moments of great tension on here. Spoilt only by the bad acting and limited budget. Blood and gore. Tons of it. That’s what was missing here. The extras on the DVD though are the one bright spark that makes this release bearable. But who buys a film just for the extras?
Seen pissed as a fart the film is funny as fuck. The gags are cringe worthy and hilarious. The effects raises hoots of laughter. The acting has you falling over clutching your sides. If ever a film deserves the accolade of Trash then Love Cracked The Movie is the one.
There is a feeling after watching this that Biff Juggernaut Productions have the potential to make a great movie. Love Cracked The Movie isn’t it. You don’t need a huge budget to achieve this. George Romero, Sam Rami and Herschell Gordon Lewis managed it. Although Mr Lewis is an acquired taste at the best of times. Maybe next time.